So as you already know, my family and I are packing up and leaving Kentucky to head back home to Illinois. We have had a wonderful 6 years here. We have celebrated every wedding anniversary we’ve ever had here, we bought our first home here, we welcomed our first child here. And in all this time I never considered it “home.”
But now that it’s time to leave … I find myself wondering if we’re making the right decision. Maybe it’s more “home” than I realized. And I’m having a really hard time with it.
When my husband first accepted his new job I was over the moon. I was finally getting what I had wanted for the past 6 years … a chance to go home. Then the reality set in. And we put our house on the market. Went searching for a new home in our new town. Found a new home, put in an offer and close on Dec. 5th. Sold our home and close here on Nov. 25th.
It’s real. It’s happening. And I’m heartbroken. And I shouldn’t be. Because this move is going to be the best thing that has ever happened to us. Ten years down the road we will look back fondly on our time in Paducah, but will know that we made the right decision. So why does it hurt so much right now?! Why?
Our families and friends are ecstatic that we’re coming back home. But both my husband and I are struggling with our decision. Was it too rash? Did he make the right choice for the right reason? I can’t help but think he didn’t.
You see, there’s more to the whole story. I’m expecting baby #2. I’m due in May of 2015. And I KNOW that my pregnancy had a lot to do with my husband’s decision. Financially it’s a better deal. Realistically, we’re closer to family. We will have pretty easy access to a ton of babysitters. Something that we haven’t had here in Paducah.
So I have tremendous guilt that my husband is making this change because of my pregnancy. And I don’t want him to hate his new job. He likes his current job, he loves his coworkers. And his new job is completely different. He is a civil engineer. He worked hard to get his degree and then worked his tail off and studied for the Professional Engineering test and became a PE. That’s something that he wanted since the day I met him when we were 17. It’s what he always wanted. And now he’s leaving engineering, and probably for good. I mean how many people can truly say that they are working in their chosen field, actually utilizing their college degree for what it was meant for? (I know I sure can’t).
He has asked me numerous times in the past week or so if I was sure this was what I wanted. And I finally owned up to it and said that I truly didn’t know. I know it was a crushing blow to him. Because I know that he made this choice for me, thinking it was what I wanted and would make me happy. Which is exactly why I’m not happy about it .. because he’s doing it for me, not for him. And that is exactly what I had hoped to avoid.
All I can tell him is that sometimes decisions suck, but we have to be confident that when we look back on things, years from now, we will know that this decision, while the hardest, most gut-wrenching one of our lives, was the right one.
It just sucks right now.